What we need is an Anti-Patriarchy Day

Within this definition of patriarchy, we see two types: Outright patriarchy where women are visibly excluded from power or gain. For example, cases of sexual harassment or daughters being denied their fair share of inheritance. These are examples where there is little dispute that women are being wronged. Today, we would like to spotlight a subtler — yet equally insidious — form of patriarchy, which we would like to call benign patriarchy. This refers to situations wherein, in the guise of compassion, women’s ambitions are stifled by those in more powerful positions.

For example, some years ago one of us (Aparna) wanted to write a book about her mental health condition but was told by her senior mental health professional that “she should not write, she should focus on supporting her husband’s career or planning the children’s summer holidays which she did so well”. It was said in the spirit of compassion, as Aparna had experienced several mood swings, but it was patronising and deeply upsetting, as writing was a form of self-expression and healing for her.

Another common example is qualified and educated women who are not allowed to choose their profession but are told by their husbands’ families that they can work only in the family business. Again, it limits their personal and professional growth. Women can be complicit in imposing benign patriarchy on those around them as well. Megha encountered the mother of a 15-year-old client who sent her daughter to a nutritionist, constantly reiterating that the daughter needs to be “thin and good-looking if she wants to be popular”. This client was not obese nor had a health concern. The intention may be to be kind to someone who could be vulnerable, but benign patriarchy actually takes away the kindness that we have for each other, by being patronising and limiting to women.

This system also hurts men, as it forces them into a box of being the more powerful one. In private, men often express their unhappiness at not being allowed to show emotions or their frustration at being judged only by their professional performance. For women, the tactical solution to tackling benign patriarchy often lies in recognising that this is a power issue and that benign patriarchs are operating from their own contexts and what they perceive to be good intentions. As Robert Greene, author of The 48 Laws of Power writes, in situations where the opponent is more powerful, use the surrender tactic: “Law 22. Transform weakness into power. Make surrender a tool of power… Save your hide for a later date when you can reassert your power. Inwardly you stay firm, but outwardly you bend… only appear to surrender.”

This is precisely what Aparna did. Although frustrated with her mental health professional, she continued seeing them, as she was dependent on their medical advice. However, she developed allies in her book club who supported her writing. When she felt stronger a few years later, she switched to a different practitioner who supported her writing and went on to publish a memoir. She continues to stay in touch with the original mental health professional, who now recognises her writing efforts and her new persona as a mental health advocate. The long-term solution is the recognition that benign patriarchy is a power struggle all around us, often those whom we trust the most. We need to call it out and engage with those in power to influence the way they think.

Benign patriarchy is so subtle that often we don’t recognise it. This is exactly why we need a day to remind us of it: Anti-Patriarchy Day. On March 8 or any day of the year, because frankly, it happens all year around, everywhere.

Aparna Piramal Raje is a writer and public speaker and Megha Mawandia is a Mumbai-based family therapist. The views expressed are personal