The photos of Bill Clinton and Gavin Newsom palling around in a golf cart at a luxury Mexico resort will no doubt have set Washington ablaze with gossip and prompted four big questions:
What were they doing together?
What does it mean for the 2024 presidential race?
Is this the first real proof that there IS a secret Democratic plot to oust Joe Biden as the nominee?
What the hell were they wearing?
The more you look at the pictures — and consider the timing, just a week before the Iowa caucus that kickstarts election year — the more suspicious it all gets.
Here’s how I imagine their conversation went down:
GN: Happy New Year, Bill! Amazing coincidence bumping into you here …
BC: It’s not a coincidence, Gav. I needed somewhere to hide from all this Epstein stuff and given you’re the invisible presidential candidate, you seemed the perfect person to be with —
GN: I’m not running for president.
BC: Sure, and I never got up to anything dicey with Jeffrey.
GN: Did he really videotape you having sex with girls?
BC: I did not have sexual relations with those women.
GN: Bruhhh … (snorts with derisive laughter).
BC: OK, OK. I may have had relationships that were not appropriate.
GN: Nice shirt. by the way — it makes you look very youthful. But then again, I hear you like ’em young.
BC: Only my cigars.
GN: That’s what Monica said.
BC: Anyway, Trump did way badder things with Epstein than me!
GN: Ah, the Biden playbook — “I may be terrible, but Donald’s even worse.”
BC: Exactly. Speaking of Biden, he’s got to go. He’s a walking corpse whose poll numbers are so bad, even Nixon’s looking down — or up — with a smug grin.
GN: Agreed, but how do we get rid of him? He’s determined to run again.
BC: Run again? He can barely walk.
GN: I’m so fit, LeBron James broke his finger punching my abs.
BC: You’re TOO fit. Americans like their presidents to be regular guys. I’m not talking William Taft-level fat, more my pre-vegan shape before all the lentils made me look like Victoria Beckham. Bulk up a bit with some extra $5,000 rule-breaking dinners at the French Laundry.
GN: I won’t take rule-breaking lectures from you, President Pinocchio!
BC: I didn’t lie, I just didn’t know what sex is. Let’s get back to Biden. You need to make a move now before it’s too late.
GN: Is there precedent for an incumbent Democratic president pulling out during primary season?
BC: Of course! The two most recent were Harry Truman in January 1953 and Lyndon B. Johnson in March 1968.
GN: Why did Johnson quit?
BC: Bad approval ratings, ailing health, an increasingly unpopular war (Vietnam), and as he said in his resignation speech, increasingly partisan division.
GN: BINGO! Biden’s got even worse approval ratings (33% to 36%), he’s 20 years older than Johnson was and clearly going senile, he supports the wars in Ukraine and Gaza that are both increasingly unpopular, and partisan division today makes 1968 look like a tea party. How did his decision go down?
BC: One congressman, Democrat Rep. Wright Patman of Texas, described it as “a courageous and heroic act which will mark him as one of history’s great men.”
GN: And did it?
BC: Absolutely. He came eighth in a CBS survey of all-time great US presidents — higher than JFK, Obama and even me!
GN: What about Truman?
BC: He came seventh despite also being very unpopular by the time he resigned.
GN: So, we just need to convince Joe he’ll end up a hero if he quits?
BC: Yes. But that’s not easy when he keeps saying we’re all looking at the wrong polls and he thinks everyone loves him.
GN: I have a trump ace that doesn’t actually involve Trump.
BC: What is it?
GN: Buy one, get one free. If I’m the nominee, Kamala Harris can’t be my running mate or VP because we’re both from California …
BC: BINGO! That’s a bit like the trick Hillary tried to pull when she said if they voted for her, they’d get me back at the White House too … but even that didn’t work.
GN: If I do run, can you keep Hillary away from the limelight? She’s political anthrax to any campaign.
BC: Relax, buddy, I didn’t even bring her here to Mexico!
GN: Maybe we can lock her away somewhere with Joe?
BC: Well, as COVID proved, you’re America’s lockdown king, so if anyone could find a way to do that, it’s you.
GN: Any more advice?
BC: Just keep saying you’re not running, and that you have full confidence in Biden. Nobody believes you on the first statement, and the second one just makes everyone laugh out loud.
GN: How do we explain what we’re doing here at the same resort at the same time?
BC: If we get caught, just say we’re both attending a Clinton Foundation event to help poor people.
GN: Isn’t that the excuse you used for flying on Epstein’s “Lolita Express” plane four times?
BC: Yes, and people believed it!
GN: Thanks, Bill, you’re such a pro.
BC: Any time, Gav, and if you do run and win, consider me for secretary of state. Rishi Sunak’s just done that with David Cameron over in Britain. I need to be on different continents than my wife as often as possible.
GN: Deal!
