Nicely quipped for this gig
I assumed with all of the fires, explosions, stabbings, pickets, robberies and miseries — additionally hate and election babbles — perhaps you’d like a quickie alternative to smile a little bit. So:
Beginning 1892, Ellis Island’s processed hundreds of thousands of the impoverished who arrive starved, in rags, torn sweaters and work sneakers. They have been then immigrants. In the present day, they’re style statements.
Signal on a financial institution’s ATM: “Change is inevitable. Besides from merchandising machines.”
Obama’s theme music: “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” — about me.
To welcome their new information present, CBS plans a quiet intimate fall time get-together. Solely inviting those that need to watch it — each of them.
To lure passengers, extra planes will now add an air marshal. Additionally, they’ll cease serving meals.
The Taliban’s made it unlawful to talk English. The excellent news: Sylvester Stallone films in Afghanistan are up 600%.
Two bit city
After utilizing the brand new slenderizing drug Ozempic, this skeleton stated to the bartender: “Give me a Bloody Mary — and a mop.”
The world’s tallest housekeeper? Wilt Chambermaid.
Final phrases from Biden: “What wine goes with gall bladder?”
Now being divorced from Cardi B, Offset was requested, “How do you discover sheep in New Zealand?” and he answered: “Very enticing.”
If relationship, open his bottle of Listerine and watch if a white flag comes out.
Guys: Overlook marriage. Simply discover somebody you hate and purchase her a home.
Feminine in DC: “I like this man. He’s an activist. Wherever there’s poverty, social injustice or a profit the place you’ll be able to seize a free hen dinner — you’ll discover him.”
The mayor’s slicing down on crime. He’s taking cops off the road.
Thrilling? I imply, please, “We exit and he paints the city beige.”
A Democrat simply merged a shirt firm with an aluminum siding agency — his new product known as Shirt on a Shingle.
A TV anchor was having a number of folks over. Just some mates and his fast hairpieces.
What number of White Home aides does it take to screw in a lightweight bulb? Reply: None. They prefer to maintain Biden at midnight.
Flying on the Hooters airline. The stewardess leans over and asks “Espresso, tea — or these?”
Labor Day’s coming. It’s open air time. Discover a sleeping wino and roast marshmallows over his breath.
It’s all a setup
Present me a person who can rise to CEO in solely six weeks — and I’ll present you a son-in-law.
Finish of summer season? Ask a forest ranger for permission to marry a beaver.
Don’t knock him. He’s very gifted. One of many few I do know who can play “Woman of Spain” on his truss.
Mattress-Stuy. Each block has its personal coroner.
At one level, Krispy Kreme doughnut earnings shot up 55%. It was as a consequence of a powerful financial system, an improved administration crew — and finding all new Krispy Kreme shops subsequent to a police station.
On that historic evening, electrical energy was furthest from Benjamin Franklin’s thoughts. He was placing the strikes on his spouse and he or she stated, “Go fly a kite.” The remainder is historical past.
So, in New York anyway, no physician makes a home name — except it’s to foreclose on the mortgage.
