Ariana Madix Revenge Dance, Almost F-Bomb

Gone was Tyra Banks and her fierce struts and posing, replaced by the goofy and affable Alfonso Ribeiro on the main stage. Julianne Hough joined him from the skybox as co-host. Both of them flubbed their lines plenty, but were more charming and corny about it in the best possible ways; Tyra always seemed defensive. Corniness is in the DNA of this show after all … just look at that out-of-this-world opening number.

As corny as it was, it was also a celebration of dance and television and entertainment, feeling so appropriate with the WGA strike finally poised to come to a close on Wednesday (although the actors are still striking). It’s not quite back to normalcy, but it is reason to celebrate in the entertainment industry and there was so much joy out there.

These dancers are so incredible at what they do, it’s important to remind us of just how good they are in settings like this. It’s especially key before we see some of them partnered with just awful non-dancers who are so bad they can make a pro look bad. That way we’ll better understand how challenging this show can be for everyone involved on both sides of the partnership.

With 14 total celebrities this season, it was a packed night of entertainment, but there were obviously eyes a little more focused on some of them.

In particular, Vanderpump Rules’ Ariana Madix comes out of her massive “Scandoval” into the ballroom, while Bachelorette Charity Lawson brought her fresh new fiancé with her, and Mauricio Umansky was supported by wife Kyle Richards and the family.

This season, the ballroom also welcomed one new professional dancer, but she’s got some pedigree in her genes and experience. For one thing, she was partnered with black-ish star Miles Brown on DWTS: Juniors and placed second. For another, she’s the little sister of DWTS pro Lindsay Arnold! So no pressure for her first season at the big show.

With a bigger tribute performance planned for a few weeks, per Julianne, former head judge Len Goodman was honored in a more permanent way. The late head judge had retired after this past season, but then passed away earlier this year. In his honor, they’ve redesigned and renamed the coveted Len Goodman Mirrorball Trophy.

Who do I think I am? you ask. Well, I spent nearly a decade of my life sweating and bleeding to the music as a dancer. From a young boy learning a shuffle-ball-change to performing with the St. Louis Ballet Company, I experienced the ups and downs of one of the most difficult physically demanding sports on the planet. During this time, I was also a member of the St. Louis Symphony Youth Orchestra, as well as a gymnast, writer and cartoonist. I had a lot more energy in my younger years. And I’ve spent the last 21 years analyzing and critiquing reality competition shows for various media publications. I’ve got this.

Fair warning, since I’m safe at home, I’m probably going to be a little harsher than my colleagues Carrie Ann Inaba, Derek Hough and Bruno Tonioli. But I might be nicer, too. Maybe.

(Cha-cha-cha – “Peanut Butter Jelly,” Galantis) There is a lot of potential on display in this first dance for the season’s youngest competitor at just 17 years old, but it’s definitely not realized yet. Xochitl has the right attitude and spirit to bring this style to life, but her arms didn’t move with the conviction needed. She could hit a pose, but it was the between moments where they were kind of just moving through where they should be, but with no drive or intention behind them. She wants to move her body, she just needs to finesse it into the style with a little more precision. All the pieces are here, once she gets a little more confident (as she does know this choreography) for her to be a real contender.

Judges Scores: 6, 6, 6

My Score: 6

(Foxtrot – “It’s a Sunshine Day,” from The Brady Bunch) There’s a joyousness about him, but that was about all that was working. This footwork was a disaster almost all the way through, he completely forgot his last arm sweep and then did it way, way too late. Look, he was physically where he needed to be, but his feet were just kind of stumbling and bouncing to get him there at most times. There’s almost no point in talking about the technique of heels and toes when it was all he could do to not trip over himself. He did not have this choreo down pat and it showed. He got by here on charm, but he needs to buckle down and work on the technique.

Judges Scores: 6, 5, 5

My Score: 4

(Cha-cha-cha – “Never Too Much,” Luther Vandross) Tyson moved like a robot where someone would occasionally press a button reading “hips” or “moonwalk.” Jenna did not give him much to do, carrying the lion’s share of this short routine herself, and it was probably for the best. Honestly, he looked much looser in the rehearsal footage even as he was trying to figure it out. It’s as if every muscle in his body tensed up the moment the music started and he stayed clenched the whole time, lumbering through this routine. He needs to relax and just move or none of this is going to work.

Judges Scores: 4, 4, 4

My Score: 2

(Salsa – “Never Gonna Dance Again,” P!nk) Sasha may have been a little ambitious with the arm work for this first dance as it was all of it a mess. We’d say this was a beautiful disaster as almost nothing went right from start to finish, but there was an infectiousness about it that made us keep watching and even smiling. Alyson has so much personality out there, but she seemed to blank completely on what the steps were for this dance. There was no visible salsa that we could see in this, so it was kind of an epic fail — but we find ourselves still rooting for her.

Judges Scores: 5, 4, 4

My Score: 3

(Cha-cha-cha – “Rock Your Body,” Justin Timberlake) At just 18 years old, Rylee is the youngest professional dancer and she’s partnered with someone almost a foot taller than her as Harry clocks in at 6’5″. That’s a lot for her to take on in her first-ever season, as well as the fact he has zero experience. So this one was a test for both of them. Unfortunately, while Rylee looked great, Harry did not. He was even awkward just running his hand up her leg. He was very heavy-footed throughout this, and clearly uncertain about his body or what he was doing. There was a lot of hesitation throughout from him. There were also heel leads, but that was more because he was just kind of trotting around the stage rather than moving through a dance move or with any sort of precision.

Judges Scores: 4, 4, 4

My Score: 3

(Cha-cha-cha – “I Feel Like Dancing,” Jason Mraz) First of all, welcome to Dancing with the Stars! After so many subpar performances, Jason came out here loose and ready to perform. He had rhythm and grace — clearly his years as a musician has given him timing and a sense of movement — and he even had technique. We saw him leading with his toes throughout this, we saw him hitting most of his marks and we saw him euphorically conquering his anxieties about dance. This was a triumphant statement piece. It was by no means perfect, but it was so refreshing, we feel like dancing, too!

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7

(Tango – “Don’t Call Me Up (Zac Samuel Remix),” Mabel) Props to Jamie Lynn for coming in with no real experience in dance and going for it anyway. She definitely has experience moving to music and with timing because she was pretty spot-on throughout this. Her footwork was also where it needed to be, while her frame was mostly the way we’d want to see it. She had some command, but needs to dig deeper and come at this with a little more strength. For a first time effort, this was absolutely something she and Alan could be proud of as she showed a lot of grace and style in a routine that was more complex than most would get at this stage. She’s another one with potential to really be a contender in this competition.

Judges Scores: 5, 5, 5

My Score: 6

(Salsa – “Yeah!” Usher) Britt was looking to make a statement with three lifts throughout this dance. She trusts this partnership and she believes in Adrian’s growth potential. He definitely has some rhythm, but he needs to loosen up a lot. There’s a lot of sassiness in the salsa, which comes with attitude pouring out of every movement. It’s a little bit sexy but it’s almost liquid when watching it, as if bones become rubber. Adrian does not have that by any means, though he was where he needed to be and mostly had the steps. He needs to loosen his hips and allow the rest to follow, but he’s in a good spot after a first dance.

Judges Scores: 6, 6, 6

My Score: 5

(Tango – “El Tango de Roxanne,” from Moulin Rouge) A straight leg needs to be straight. We loved the ferocity of attack from Lele, who definitely had the right approach for the style. It’s more about refining her technique an making sure she follows through; i.e., complete one move fully before moving on to the next one and keep your balance on the turns. This was one of the stronger performances of the night with a lot of great little moments throughout that give us a glimpse of someone who could become a really strong dancer and competitor as the weeks progress.

Judges Scores: 6, 7, 6

My Score: 6

(Cha-cha-cha – “Kiss,” Prince & The Revolution) Mira doesn’t fully trust herself or her partner, leading to moments of hesitation that delay delivery of certain moves. She was a little heavy throughout this piece, and she needs to deliver more in the hips, but we saw swivels and turns and the steps we were looking for. The different elements she needs for the dance are there, she’s just a little tepid in delivering them, with so much of that seeming like a lack of confidence on her part in Brandon or this process. That should (hopefully) come in time.

Judges Scores: 6, 5, 6

My Score: 5

(Jive – “I Ain’t Worried,” OneRepublic) Mauricio was a lot lighter on his feet than we were expecting in this, but he also had one of the toughest styles to get out of the gate like this. While his timing solo was terrible, he improved significantly when Emma came out. The hops could use a little more finesse and hop to them, while the kicks could be sharper. There were times he was kind of rushing into position for the next steps, so he wasn’t focusing  on the in-between moments that need to look seamless. His upper body was a little floppy, but it was clear it’s because he was focusing on the footwork, which was pretty solid for a first dance effort. Kyle Richards and the fam were all smiles in the audience, showing their support.

Judges Scores: 5, 5, 5

My Score: 5

(Tango – “Only Girl (In the World),” Rihanna) Charity’s hold position improved throughout the dance but her footwork and precision was on point from the start. Her competitive cheer background (12 years!) definitely came in handy when it came to mastering the choreography and moves. She appeared very confident in that which gave her the mental space to focus on those elements of finesse and character of the dance. She may not have actual dance experience, but she looked like a natural out there with great command in her first dance. With this as a starting point, she could be here for a long, long time. Carrie Ann was so excited, she had to pick up her jaw and barely stopped herself from dropping an epic f-bomb.

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 8

My Score: 7

(Cha-cha-cha – “Poison,” Bell Biv DeVoe) We had to force ourselves to stop watching Koko throughout this dance because she was looking fierce and on fire. She definitely made Matt look better through the sheer power of her presence. He showed that he has rhythm and can definitely move, but he was more walking his way through this dance than putting any flair into his movements. We’re not sure how much rehearsal time he may or may not have lost when he opted out of doing the show because of the WGA strike (he was unaware it was a struck show), only agreeing to come back a day ago now that the strike is resolved. He did have a lot of fun personality on display, but not so much when it comes to actual choreography or recognizable cha-cha.

Judges Scores: 4, 4, 4

My Score: 2

(Tango – “Love Myself (Riddler Remix),” Hailee Steinfeld) Coming off of perhaps the worst year of her live (a little thing dubbed “Scandoval”), Ariana was looking to make a statement and she did that. Right. There! This was an incredible first dance. We knew DWTS would save her for last because of the heat on the cheating scandal that blew up her world, but we didn’t know she would also deliver the most confident dance of the night. Her stage presence and performance in body, face and even hair was spot-on. Even better, her dance moves were pretty sharp and what mistakes there were she overcame with attitude. She moved with all the power we were looking for. This isn’t the way someone dances Week 1.

Judges Scores: 7, 7, 7

My Score: 7

Well, there’s no doubt that Charity, Ariana and Jason will be back. The three had the top scores of the night by a mile, and really took this ballroom by storm in their very first week out there. Conversely, the bottom scorers were Harry, Matt and Tyson. All three tied with 12, but Alyson was just a smidge above them with 13.

We also know that sometimes that doesn’t matter quite as much when it comes to America’s vote. What does matter is how well known you are outside of this sphere and what kind of social media presence and how popular you are. This is good news for the likes of Alyson. It’s a mixed bag for Harry because much of his following is social media, but DWTS tends to skew older.

Still, we had a feeling that the Bottom 2 might just end up being Matt and Tyson. They were definitely a mess on the dance floor and didn’t seem to be getting it at all. Of the two of them, there was more drive in Tyson than Matt, who seemed to be doing this for a lark, so if it were up to us, we’d keep Tyson over Matt. But did it go down that way at all?

Jamie Lynn was first to get the good news, followed by Harry, which gives credence to our theory that his larger popularity (he does have reality TV cred, too) has something to do with it when it comes to fan votes. They were joined by Adrian, Barry, and Mira.

Next to relax was Charity, followed by Ariana and Jason in what we’ll call the “no duh!” portion of the results. These three are currently the frontrunners for the whole season! It was good news, as well, for Xochitl, Lele, and Alyson.

That left Mauricio standing alongside our picks for the Bottom 2. Surely, the RHOBH and Buying Beverly Hills fanbases would have his back, even if he and Kyle are going through it a bit right now in their marriage. Well … they didn’t, which had to be a bummer for Mauricio and for us. One episode in and we’ve already blown our prediction for Bottom 2.

At this point, though, we couldn’t possibly get our eliminated contestant wrong, could we? Could America really want to keep Matt, tied for the lowest score and not really seeming to care much about any of this, over Mauricio, who was in the middle of the pack and showed some real potential to grow into a compelling dancer on styles perhaps more suited to his personality?

Well, they didn’t let us down in the end, as it was the end of the road for Matt, who had a whirlwind association with the show this past week or so as he stepped away due to the WGA strike only to return when that was over as SAG-AFTRA supports stars’ involvement even through their ongoing strike efforts.

Dancing with the Stars celebrates Latin Week next Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC and Disney+.